Defeat

There are no victors where there are no losers.

The 1982 Boston Marathon was headlined as “The Greatest Boston Marathon” because of two American runners who went at each other’s heels for the entire 26.2 miles, ending in the narrowest margin of victory in the history of the race. It was so close but in the end there was one winner.  Alberto Salazar beat Dick Beardsley by a margin of 2 seconds. Beardsley was once asked, “For 26 miles, how can you not run faster by 2 seconds?”

All of us have experienced defeat of some sort.  Not just in running. No one can avoid them anywhere. Somehow there is a defeat for everyone.

I have my own share of plethora of defeats in life; many of them I have overcome; but a few still remind me the feeling of loss. The first one happened 30 years ago. I was a high school senior competing for a college scholarship via a qualifying examination and interview. Of the 5 selected in our high school to compete, I was the only one who did not make it. The second defeat happened only 2 years ago. I stood by my wife as she fought breast cancer, especially the last 5 years of her 11 year battle. It was my fight as much as it was hers. I prayed to God to defeat her illness; but we lost.

I still bear these defeats today not so much for the pain as it is for the loss I feel. I have since resumed with my life after my losses but I know something is still lacking. I am like music that lost its melody; like sunshine that lost its warmth. I’m like a lover that lost its heart; like a runner that lost its motion.

This year, when I started to take a new path and experienced fear and doubt, old memories echo what I've lost in my past defeats – my faith in God. I am unable to see my present joys and victories .

However, take solace.  There is something magnanimous about defeats. It is not all about loss; for God loves losers as much as victors. So, to my dear readers, even when both praying and running are hard to do now, I will keep moving on with hope. In due time, I will be able to fully appreciate God's special gift to me.

Revisiting a Mile Marker

Thanks to technology today, you could start running at any point and your GPS gadget could mark down the mile markers for you as you run. It's really neat. I ran 20 miles with a friend recently who had a GPS running watch; he set the watch before we ran and his watch would beep faithfully every time we reach a mile. It's nice to have a device to remind you of markers in your routes; but for a bare runner like me, I usually take the familiar road and know all of the mile markers by heart.

In our life's path, we all have these mile markers that easily remind us of important events in our lives. Mile markers that evoke the same old feelings or perhaps some surprising growth. Around this time of the year, I am revisiting a few sentimental mile markers in my life's journey. Allow me to share them with you in my next few entries - not much about the event itself as it is about the meaning I take away from it.

Two years ago in early February, my wife and I sought a second opinion from a breast cancer specialist at the University of California in San Francisco (UCSF) Cancer Center and to ask about newer treatment plans and to even participate in clinical studies if need be, to find a cure for my wife's cancer. However, after interviews, evaluations and discussion with the oncologists, it was determined that my wife was too weak to tolerate the effects of any treatment plan. Not giving up hope, I wrote in her journal, "It seems to be a setback,but we still have faith on the current chemo drugs she is taking...We know that God continues to heal her through all the treatments. She is aware of her weakening condition, but she is not ready to give up just yet."

Ash Wednesday 2011.  Praying Runner with Jinky at
Kaiser Hospital a month before she passed away.
PR's reason for running...

Around this time of the year, too, is the anniversary of her cancer survivorship (February 7th). It was her  11th year. 11 is my favorite number and I was very hopeful for another full year. There were not many good signs though - "She's still having trouble with the coughing and pain on her left side due to fluid in her lungs. Mobility also an issue." - I wrote.

Looking back, I realized how difficult it was to hope against hope. But to do it for someone you love, you would do whatever it takes to keep moving on. You see the real meaning of taking it one day at a time because each day counted so much and you treasure every single one of it as it passes. So I finished my entry in the journal for that day quoting from an "oldies" song Today*.  "A million tomorrow shall all pass away, 'ere I forget all the joy that is mine today." I thank God for every 'today' I spend with her. I love you, Jinky. You are the home of my heart."


*The song "Today" on YouTube  (You can skip the commercial at the beginning.) Song was also popularized by the late John Denver.

The Epiphany

Did you know that The Magi who followed the Star of Bethlehem traveled an exceptionally long distance to pay homage to the baby Jesus? Some theorists said that they journeyed about 1,000 to 1,200 miles. Talk about endurance and long distance. That, by early Roman Empire standards and even modern categories, is incredibly far.

In training, runners can cover that mileage over a period of time, but not without battling pain and overcoming bad days. There’s tremendous adversity to handle to complete a certain mileage to be able to successfully finish a race. It changes the life of a person so much so that it is said that, “The person who starts a race is not the same person who finishes the race.”

In a similar way, I think The Magi who traveled an ultra-long distance, were transformed. Even more so, upon seeing the star and seeing the child Jesus, they were never the same again. It was the Epiphany of the Lord to The Magi and to the world. God shone the Star of Bethlehem and led them to their Lord and Savior.

NO U-TURN. Once you see the light of
the Lord, it makes a difference in your
life that you never want to go back
to your old ways.

This past Christmas, after another year of journeying life without my wife, I think I finally saw the star in the sky. With lots of praying and prayers from you, I was enlightened to see the joy of living in the present and leaving the past behind. My grieving may not get “done”, but my current situation can have a good outcome. All of us had troubled days, but those are now past and gone. God’s star “over the place where the child Jesus was” will bring us joy and hope for a renewed life.

Now the Magi, “having been warned in a dream not to return to Herod, departed for their country by another way.” (Matthew 2:12). The Magi, though they were instructed by Herod to return upon seeing the Child, did not go back to Herod. Once you see the light of the Lord, it makes a difference in your life that you never want to go back to your old ways. When God shines His light to you, you will be filled with grace so much so that there’s no u-turning anymore. Onward forward ahead!

God speed!

NOT Your Health

Nobody can take your health away from you,
but don't take it for granted either.

Unlike property, nobody can take your health away from you. You don’t owe anybody your body. But you can’t sell or get rid of it either. You own it, imperfections and all.

That being said, you really need to take care of your body’s health. It’s a very important aspect of your life, to say the least. A lot of your daily activities actually revolve around your body’s health. 

Unfortunately, our health is often taken for granted. I was talking to a friend one day who said that he is very busy all day long. He works 8 to 5, then takes the kids to soccer practice, and gets dinner ready when they arrive home. Before he knows it, he’s so wiped out. Sure he knows the importance of health, but who’s got the time to exercise?

Well, remember this – somebody right now who is busier than my friend shall find the time to exercise during the day.

The people who find time to exercise have ranked exercise high on their priority list along with going to work, taking care of the kids, and doing chores at home. The idea is that whatever activity keeps you really occupied, exercise needs to be seen in the same light.

In the New Year 2013, they say that a return in the normal housing market is unlikely. However, it could be better when it comes to your personal home front. This new year, make it happen – put one bright spot in your life this year which you could act actually take charge of…

Here’s what PrayingRunner wants you to do for 2013 –

Put your health higher in the totem pole of your time.  At least, don’t give it as an excuse that you don’t have time to exercise because you’re busy. Your body is yours for your lifetime. Though nobody can foreclose it on you, you do have obligations to take care of it.

Here’s what PrayingRunner can do for you in 2013 –

I shall continue to pray for your special intentions, inspire you, encourage you, give you tips, run for you, and if ever possible, train or run with you.

Have a Blessed New Year 2013 and God speed!

Muddling Through

A verse in the Christmas song, "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas," struck a chord in me...

Through the years we all will be together, If the fates allow; Until then we'll have to muddle through somehow; And have yourself a Merry Little Christmas now.

Muddling through was what I pretty much did in the marathon I ran December 2nd this year in Sacramento, CA. It was by far the stormiest running in the 30 years of the race, the California International Marathon (CIM). Gusty winds blowing in every direction and inches of rain pouring down on the course. Broken branches strewn on the soaking pavement of running water and silt. As puddled and mired the course became, I and a whole lot of runners muddled through the race somehow.

T'was just like how I managed this Christmas and the year 2012 that was - a full year without my wife. Although the storms in my life were not as epic as the CIM's storm, some of them were turbulent enough to blow my emotional state to pieces. I just miss her terribly as I learn to live my life without her. And that is all there is to it. Until that day we are reunited in God's eternal place for us, keeping her memory alive in my runs, praying for other people's intentions, and living each moment with love like she did, I will get through for sure!

So next year, my prayer runs will go on and hopefully, more of my "reflections on the road" posted a lot more often. You can help me by "liking" my PrayingRunner Facebook Page, http://www.facebook.com/prayingrunner and sharing it on yours.

Thank you and God speed!