Grief's Lessons

Grieving is likened sometimes to running a marathon. It feels like there is no end in sight. But I trust that there will be a resolution at some point and I will see nothing but goodness at the finish line. Meantime I have to learn to live with the maelstrom of emotions that I can't ignore because I may miss what it has to teach me.

Allow me to share some more of my stories of grief moments in my running blog. Thank you for following my blog. In time I will be back to my running stories.

The Watches

While doing some spring cleaning, I opened a drawer and there I saw Jinky's small collection of watches inside a turquoise-colored velvet cloth bag. Jinky liked watches. She had watches for different occasions. I remember her showing off to me how her watch and wardrobe match every time we go out. Unfortunately, when her cancer turned for the worse, she hadn't had a chance to wear them at all since we couldn't go out as much. Worse, she found out too that a lot of the watches stopped working. One day she asked me if I could bring the watches to a repair service. I said yes I would, but I put off her request for a few days, wondering why she actually needed it soon.  Eventually I took the watches for repair but sadly the repairman didn't have the right specialized tools for her classic pieces. When I told her the news, her head and shoulder dropped, feeling disappointed just like a child, being unable to play outside. My heart just sunk. I couldn't bear see her sad and crestfallen.

Looking back, I pondered on this event. Why did she urgently wanted the watches repaired at that time. Perhaps Jinky longed to be healthy again for an occasion to wear a watch in good condition. Perhaps she wanted those watches ready to wear them when the time comes. But perhaps, if she doesn't live longer, she was also symbolically getting herself ready, when her time comes. 

A Son's Tribute

Jinky's Celebration of Life
File photo from 3/25/2011

At Jinky's Funeral Mass, Tim (he was 14 years old then) spoke and said, "I wish I could take away your pain, Mom. If there's any way, God please take it away away from her. If you have to, give it to me. I can take it. If I could've done that, I would've done it again, and again, a hundred times. Just for my Mom. And when I said that, she was asleep when I looked at her, I could see a tear rolling down her cheek. That was the first time I saw her cry her whole sickness."

Tim and I celebrated Mother's Day (the first time without her) with an early morning Mass. During the blessing, I raised up a picture of Jinky when the priest asked all mothers to stand up. Jinky always proudly stood up during this time of the Mass every Mother's Day. That morning, Tim and I visited her at the cemetery. We spent some time talking and reminiscing Jinky's favorite things to do. It was a lot of fun and I thought it was a really special moment for us to share memories.

Tim also said in his tribute: "There was a point that I'd tell her that I love her and she'd just open her eyes and say I love you too. And then she'd close her eyes again. That was using all of her strength just to say that. And there came a point that she couldn't even respond. And I knew that I had to let her go. I  had to tell her that it's okay. Me and Dad would be fine here. We'll take care of each other. Don't worry, we'll be okay. But it's hard to be okay. It's hard."

Tim and I had our own tearful grieving moments that particular Mother's Day. But one thing we realized as we shared joyful memories, is that our grief is also a gift. It's allowing us to honor the tie that bind us even stronger now - our common loss in the person of Jinky. Although it's hard, our grief reminds Tim and I of our own capacity to love and take care of each other.

God's Moments

One day I found myself just crying while holding in my hand the receipt from the restaurant of our last dinner date. I also saw a box of her medications which reminded of how much she fought to outlive her illness. I also read our love letters that she kept where she wrote about our plans and dreams as a family.

I was feeling so heartbroken. But as I carried on with cleaning up, I realized I was making progress. I was able to box her clothes for donation. I organized her scrapbook materials. I was able to file the  important documents I still want to keep. I just kept going and before I knew it, I accomplished a lot cleaning up her closet. Awkward as it felt after crying a river when I started cleaning up, I now wanted to celebrate.

I thanked God I was able to sort Jinky's things and grieve. I realized that sometimes, grief is undefinable but you need to go through it to get through it. I call it God's moments. You can't explain but when you just let it be, it has the power to transform you to be the best that you can be.

-o0o-

How can I pray for you today? In the light of the tragic event of the shooting at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde, TX, I offer my sympathy and prayers to the families of the 19 children and two teachers who died. As a teacher myself, this tragedy touches me to the core. Hug a loved one today and tell them how much you care for them.

A Re-Post. Praying for Families

At Mile 20 of the Annual California International Marathon in Sacramento, CA is an infamous water station decorated with an arch that looks like a solid brick wall. It’s scrupulously tormenting especially when you actually hit the wall when you get this far running.

That’s what happened to me in a marathon seven years ago. At Mile 20, I started to fatigue. I could feel spotty tingling cramping sensations on my calf muscles. My legs were starting to feel heavy instead of the fleet footed strides I did the last 20 miles. I started to worry for I knew I was bonking.

But I had to dig deep. When the body starts to fail, the mind takes over. I remembered what my wife gave to me at the starting line.  She gave me two folded pieces of note inside a Ziploc Bag.  She tucked it inside my fuel belt and told me to read it somewhere around Mile 20.

A note from my son to me
during the San Francisco
Marathon in 2005.

A note from my late wife
to me during the San Francisco
Marathon in 2005.

The first note was from my son. “Dad, you have 6.1 more miles. You can do it! I love you.” The second note was from my wife.  “Dear Love, I wish someday I’ll be able to run 10k easily, then ½ marathon, and then marathon. Thanks for inspiring me. Good job, Dad! Keep running! – Loves.”  Tears started rolling down my cheeks.  I looked up ahead of me and I started running one step after another.  I will finish this marathon with all that I have left for I can't wait a minute longer to see my family.


As you know, my wife was never able to run a 10k easily, nor a half, nor a full marathon with me. She did run a 10k in 2006 but it turned out to be a very difficult one for her. One month after that 10k, her cancer came back and metastasized. My son was 8 years old when he wrote me that note; he is 15 years old now. He is “retired” from running for now and is doing other sports. Even when my wife is not with us anymore, she and my son are still my inspiration to keep me going. Especially when I “hit the wall” in my life’s journey.

On September 23rd, I will be running the Half Moon Bay International Marathon in Half Moon Bay, CA. in prayer for your special intentions, especially for families who have lost a loved one or ones.  Send me your prayer requests by posting it here or on my Facebook Page, http://www.facebook.com/prayingrunner  or by sending me an email at prayingrunner@gmail.com.

Back page of the same note
written on the hotel pad.

From my wife during the San Jose
Marathon in 2006

Sharing with you another note I found recently that my late wife wrote to me during the San Jose Marathon in 2006. That weekend, she made every effort to go with me and stay with me at the hotel the eve of the marathon, even though she was in pain from her cancer treatments.

She wrote: Dear Love, I'm praying the rosary for you now and I will again tomorrow. I feel thankful for you offering this run to me. I feel very blessed having you do all the sacrifices to take care of me. Thank you so much for still seeing me as the home of your heart even if I don't look attractive and that I can't do most what I could do in the past. But I know I'll get better. I can still be "normal". I'm looking forward to that. I'm glad Tim and I are here with you. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH & SO MUCH. Loves, Jinky.

Remembering the Reason

Remembering the reason for Praying Runner...on Mother's Day. Her birthday is also coming up in a few days.

It's been tough lately, missing my wife terribly and longing for her.  It's been a little over a year since she passed away. Sometimes, I have good days, but it's hasn't gotten any easier. But I trust in God's time, I will understand  better.

Here's sharing with you a tribute to her on Mother's Day, and requesting my readers to remember her in your  next prayer run. Please include me as well. Thank you and God speed.

Angels on Foot

"26.2 Miles of Running Heaven," pitches the Half Moon Bay International Marathon. Indeed the course boasts of a spectacular coastline view for much of the race. But I think the race is made much more heavenly by the supportive fleet of volunteers, staff, organizers, and enthusiastic race participants. I met a lot of angels on foot on this race.

"The runner with the pink rose!"

I've never felt such joy in running a marathon than HMBIM. My fellow runners were greeting me, smiling at me, giving me a thumbs up, running along with me, chatting with me, and even one runner, Sarah, crying with me. The spirit of caring was overwhelming. The beautiful people in every aid station cheered gloriously for me. They nourished me not only with water and sports drink but also with words of hope and encouragement. Knowing that I might not see the smile of these people again, I stopped by every aid station to share my story of what the pink rose is for and to show appreciation for their volunteering. I also stopped at around Mile 19 to enjoy the music of a trio and dance along. What is there to hurry when you hear beautiful music? I also promised to pray for the guitarist's mother who, I learned from him, has brain cancer. The spectators on the road also showed their good spirits, like one little boy shouted, "Here comes the runner with the pink rose!" Finally, the joy of victory at the finish line. I finished far from first place, but I definitely felt like a winner. With no less than the race director greeting me personally at the finish line, people clapping and cheering, and surrounded by the family and the high school friends of my wife who passed away from breast cancer six months ago.

I came to run this marathon to escape my grief after my wife's death; but instead, I experienced heaven and met angels on foot.

To my dearest wife, Jinky, I love you so much! I miss you terribly and how I wish you were still here to hear all about my race at Half Moon Bay. But today the pain was eased by the joy that I felt from the support of caring people I just met and from the love of your high school friends who was inspired to honor you and to do this run for you.

A pink rose for my wife

Joyfully approaching the finish line

My wife's family and friends, some of the angels on foot, in this heavenly run.

My Inspiration to Run

Here's just taking a moment to share with you my feelings and thoughts about my beautiful wife and inspiration to run.  I made this video soon after my marathon in San Francisco. And if you're looking for a song to add to your playlist, this could be one.  It's a song by the group called "The Seekers" which stormed the charts in the 60's.  It's a song to help you carry on, just when you need it the most, because there's always someone waiting for you at the finish line.

So to my beloved wife, Jinky (1968-2011), "I'll Never Find Another You"...

For You

In honor and memory of Jinky 1968-2011

I have mixed emotions about running tomorrow. Like the San Francisco course, my feelings go up and down. I feel excited about doing my 22nd marathon; but I feel sad that I will run without my beloved wife for the first time. I already missed two paid-for marathons in Napa and Oakland.  I was just too devastated to go out of the house for a run.

But you see the picture above. I have my bib number and I will brave the full marathon tomorrow. The pink carnation I will hold in my hand the entire race in her honor and memory. She fought her battle against breast cancer with a lot of courage, so shall I go out and give it my all even though I am undertrained. She didn't sign up to get cancer and suffer, so why should I complain about the pain tomorrow. This race is for you, Jinky. Like the San Francisco Marathon slogan, this is definitely worth the hurt.

God bless all runners in the San Francisco race. And in solidarity, may I invite you to go out and offer your run, walk, or workout tomorrow in prayer for the sick and the suffering who are unable to enjoy the blessings of physical activity...for strength and healing.

What Makes You Happy?

My wife's Jinky's artwork in 2005 for her students' project

This is an artwork done by my wife to show her answer to the question above:  What Makes You Happy?  It was a class project for her K-1 students where she asked them to draw their answer to the question above. Then she compiled them into a book form.  This was done in summer of 2005.  I stumbled upon it during my sentimental journey of grieving - cleaning and sorting up my wife's things.  I was immediately struck by her sincerity and astuteness of her answer.  Her artistry also showed her neatness and kind character.  She has simply found one of three secrets to her happiness: her family.  And to complete the other two:  her friends and her faith.

As you can see from the drawing, we were also a running family.  And borrowing (and modifying) the famous slogan of Fr. Patrick Peyton of the Family Rosary Crusade:  "A family that prays (and runs) together, stay together."

She Has Crossed the Finish Line

Aura Jane "Jinky" Cumagun
(1968-2011) 

It is with deep sadness that I announce to you the passing of my dearest wife, Aura Jane "Jinky", after a long-fought battle with breast cancer for 11 years.  She was 42.  She was a runner.  She also did a 40-mile walk for breast cancer.  In one of her 10k runs on Father's Day 5 years ago, she had trouble breathing and was coughing a lot.  We found out later that her cancer has spread to her lungs.  But she finished that race!  The cancer also spread to her bones, liver, and brain.  The cancer debilitated her physically but never spiritually.  She still worked out the best she can, believing that she can outlive the disease, with good exercise and eating habits.  She also devoted her remaining years in prayer.  She prayed when she is resting and she conserved energy to be able to go to church.  She also went with me in a lot of my races to cheer me and meet me at the finish line.  Last year, she became weaker and couldn't come to many of my runs.  But she inspired me to take her thoughts, and prayers intentions.  "Just think about me and pray for me as you run," she said.  And thus was born the prayingrunner. 

During her final days, she dug deep.  Every breath was labored.  Her body was exhausted, but she kept going.  Then finally at 1:55 am on March 18th, she crossed the finish line.  She is victorious.  A triumph of the will to live.  And driven by the hope of eternal reward at the end of the race.

I love you so much, Jinky!  I will miss you terribly.  But now, you will not miss a single run or race I will do.  Every road, every hill, every turn, I will see you smiling at me, inspiring me, and praying for me, until one day, you will again meet me at the finish line.